Love All the People (New Edition) Page 4

  Since working at the Workshop, Bill has had only one bad experience. ‘There was a bad audience; half of them were asleep and the other half was insane. One guy hated my guts, I don’t know why. We started arguing back and forth,’ he explained. Bill said that he tried to continue with his routine but soon gave up as the heckler continued. ‘I totally fell apart. I wasn’t funny at all. He (the heckler) pulled a gun.’ The episode ended as Bill left the stage and the heckler was subdued and led away by the managers of the Workshop.

  There are over 2000 comedians trying to make it and Bill explained that the road to stardom is long and hard. ‘Think of Rodney Dangerfield; he’s what, 50, and it took him about 20 years to make it.’ The competition at the Comedy Workshop is also keen. ‘Any comic that’s there feels threatened by another comic,’ said Bill, but added that they remain, for the most part, friends.

  ‘You wonder if you’re going to be that one that makes it, like Steve Martin,’ mused Bill. Well, it’s a one in 2000 chance.

  Late Show with David Letterman (1985)

  Thank you. Thank you very much. How many of y’all feel this is probably the peak of the party right here? (laughter and applause) Me too. I am a comedian. I like my job, it’s a good job, I like the hour and ah . . . it’s a tough job and I’m here to do it. I feel good about it. I can’t do anything else: I have what is called a bad attitude. Got any bad attitudes out there? (audience clap) I’m also not a team player. Ooooh. So my principal told me, ‘Bill, I’m sorry, son, but you’re just not a team player.’ Oh, there’s a couple of sleepless nights I spent. What am I gonna do with all these jerseys I bought, you know? I mean . . . you know. I was born alone, not with an end field, all right? So. Yeah, I got a hostile attitude. I got it from a hostile family. It was pretty rough. Kids would come up to me when I was younger and go, ‘My Dad can beat up your Dad.’ I’d go, ‘When? Take the man out, you know. He’s cutting the lawn Saturday, pick him off then, why don’t you? While he’s got on that Bermuda jumpsuit he found somewhere in Oklahoma’ . . . I think . . . I don’t know where he sends away for that.

  I just got back from Oklahoma, I’m on my way to San Antonio: my career continues to wobble unevenly. Yeah, Oklahoma, that’s a great place. Impression of Oklahoma. (audience member shouts ‘All right!’) You like Oklahoma? Here’s an impression for those who’ve never been before. (makes noise of wind whistling and a dog howling) That was inside the club I was playing. People in Oklahoma think the Marlboro man is effeminate, OK? And the women make him look that way, so I was glad to get out of that place. It was strange. You see signs by the road in Oklahoma, signs saying ‘Dirt for sale’. Aww, I’d like to get inside that guy’s mind and look around for an hour. This guy sees opportunity at every glance, man. I don’t know why he didn’t open up an air dealership while he was there. As long as you’re selling the elements here. ‘Thinking of startin’ your own planet? Come on down to Bo Jim’s Landland.’ I checked him out. He had a great rap. Came up to me and goes, ‘I don’t wanna pressure you now, but we got a family of worms lookin’ at this.’ They were here first. Yeah, I like Oklahoma. They got all those southern evangelists down there too. I like southern evangelists. Real powerful dudes. See stuff in the TV Guide on Sunday like ‘Brother Dave heals the deaf. Show close captioned.’ How power-ful’s Brother Dave here? So we got out of there quick. Even though warnings beside the road saying ‘Speed limit is enforced by unmarked vehicles’, we figured we were speeding in an unmarked vehicle. How they gonna know it’s us? So I’m feeling pretty good.

  Been dating the same girl now for seven years. Think I’m finally ready to pop the question: ‘Why are we still seeing each other?’ It’s gotten kinda ugly. She freaked out on me, she really freaked out. Calls me up in the middle of the night going, ‘I don’t know who I am.’ ‘How did you know to call me?’ Some pretty heavy odds there. Tells me she’s thinking about jumping in front of a bus and I’m not being very helpful . . . so I sent her a bus schedule. ‘Yeah, look honey, there’s one every hour.’ ‘Why do you tease me?’ ‘I’m too old to pull your hair, all right?’ I’m glad. I don’t want to be that wrapped up in anyone. I look what it does to other guys. I was reading about Vincent van Gogh. Whoa! The guy cut off his ear and sent it to this girl, man. Makes a dozen roses look like a booger jack. Wow! I can hear his friends going, ‘Are you sure you love her, Vince?’ He’s going, ‘What?’ I think Vince likes this chick, man.

  So I don’t know, I’m glad to be here. I would like to be a rock star. What a great job. I am a rock star. I’m just waiting to get my band together and learn how to play an instrument and I’m on the road. I’m watching Entertainment Tonight. They came out and announced Paul McCartney makes ten million dollars a month. That kind of puts our lives in perspective there. I’m watching that, going, ‘Ten million a month!’ This guy next to me goes, ‘Yeah, but taxes eat that up.’ Yeah, Paul’s out there scrambling for rent right now, huh? Every time I think I’m partying too hard, I just keep in mind that Keith Richards is still alive and breathe a sigh of relief, huh? Makes that pack of Marlboro a day look pretty mediocre compared to this guy’s lifestyle, man. But he outlived Jim Fixx, the runner and health nut . . . so I’m stating facts, make your own connections there. I picture a nuclear war – two things are gonna live: Keith and bugs. ‘Where did everybody go? I saw a bright light; I thought we were on.’ Hey folks, thank you. Have a [. . .]

  Quotes and Lyrics

  If you are living for tomorrow, you will always be one day behind. Any organization created out of fear must create fear in order to survive.

  A living philosophy is not a belief – it is an act.

  22 October 1986

  I want to be happy. I want to be at peace.

  I want to be creative, joyous and complete.

  I want to be whole and I want to be aware.

  I want to be strong and healthy and to care.

  December 1987

  I believe the cost of life is Death and we will all pay that in full. Everything else should be a gift. We paid the cover charge of life, we were born.

  February 1988

  I need to be reminded where I’m going

  I need to be reminded why I’m here

  I need to be reminded where I came from

  I need to be reminded not to fear.

  15 April 1988

  New Happiness

  (28 January, 1986)

  I’m done with excuses

  I’ve run out of time

  I’ve wallowed in sorrow

  And spent the night cryin’

  I’ve floundered in darkness

  in sight of the light

  If I am to live, then now is the time.

  Oh you knew I knew you

  I’m crying out to be led through

  the valleys of darkness

  these pits full of fears.

  I only know one thing for sure, I know

  I don’t belong here.

  When I was younger things went untold.

  I built up a hard front, I acted quite bold.

  My feelings were strangers, interpreted none,

  I felt treated more like a daughter and less like a son.

  I was only a youngster when I fell in love

  My heart touched another’s outside of my home

  My passion was fragile, obsession quite real.

  I followed my lover’s dream till the end.

  My chasm of darkness needs to be filled

  Recovered feelings from long ago years

  No one was there to understand,

  Though as a child

  I thought like a man.

  Now I feel both – so young and so old

  My body more tired and desperate, not bold

  I’ve run from the shadows into the night

  If I am to live, then now is the time.

  I’ve Been Waiting For the Day

  I woke from this dream

  There was no tomorrow

  And no sign of
day

  I woke from this dream

  At a lovely hour

  No one to hold onto tonight

  No stars are shining through my window

  No sign that day will ever light.

  I woke from this dream

  There was no tomorrow

  The clock was ticking but there was no day.

  Interview

  by Allan Johnson

  (14 September 1989)

  When you first see Bill Hicks, you immediately think of a college scholar: studious and intelligent-looking, especially when he wears a pair of glasses. Here’s a person you might think is very serious-minded. You probably would never associate Hicks with stand-up comedy.

  And then you see him on stage:

  ‘Jimi Hendrix died in a pool of his own vomit,’ Hicks says. ‘Do you know how much you have to puke to fill a pool?’

  Or: ‘Flag-burning really brought out people’s true colors. People were like, “Hey, buddy, my dad died for that flag.” Well, that’s weird, ’cause I bought mine.’

  Or jokes on sex, nonsmokers, former President Reagan and singers Rick Astley Tiffany and George Michael. And you won’t believe Hicks’ theory on who the anti-Christ is (hint: think ‘oldest teenager’1).

  Hicks, 27, has always seemed to tell jokes that will bring a start to audiences. His first stand-up performance was at the tender age of 13, at a Baptist camp talent show. Hicks based his act on mostly Woody Allen jokes.

  Hicks was ‘this little WASP kid, but I was talking about how rough my childhood was, because that was the angle Woody Allen took, right? But I did that joke . . . “I was breast-fed from falsies.” And they went “Whooaaa, he said breasts.”

  ‘They were thrilled to have me,’ Hicks remembers.

  Hicks, who is indeed very serious-minded and thoughtful offstage, says that it’s not his intention to offend anyone. He just wants to do an intense brand of comedy and hopefully convey some messages along the way.

  ‘Here’s what I try and do,’ Hicks explains. ‘To me, there are so many comedians out there. And they’re so prevalent, and they (audiences) see it constantly. I try and give them a twist on it. One way that I do it is by being intense.’

  Hicks has a comedy album coming out, taped ‘Caroline’s Comedy Hour’ for Arts & Entertainment, and recently appeared on ‘MTV’s Half-Hour Comedy Hour.’ He has performed on ‘Late Night with David Letterman’ four times and was featured on a Rodney Dangerfield HBO special. Hicks is working at the Funny Firm through Sunday, at 318 W. Grand Ave.

  Hicks started professionally in 1979. He was part of the original Houston-based Outlaws of Comedy, which was headed by Sam Kinison.2

  Kinison, rightly or wrongly, has been lumped in with a growing breed of ‘shock comics,’ a group that will say anything, no matter how raunchy or offensive. One might get the impression that Hicks may belong in that bunch, but he doesn’t see things that way.

  ‘I don’t wanna be lumped in with anybody,’ Hicks states firmly. ‘I mean, I’m sorry that people have to have a label so they can feel better about their description of the world.’

  Hicks stands out from shock comics in that his routines contain intelligent humor, whereas others will just sputter anything that they feel will get a laugh.

  Performing earlier this week in Chicago was Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay, who has drawn criticism for his material on women and gays, among others. How does Hicks feel about Clay?3

  The man who explains in no uncertain terms what hotel housekeepers will find if they jerk open his door when the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign is out simply says, ‘“Dice” Clay is not my cup of tea.’

  Bush

  (1990)

  Hello, I’m Bill Hicks, and I’m standing at one of the foot of one of the halls of justice of our great country. You know, when the producers of this video asked me to discuss my opinions on the George Bush administration, I was struck by the very cynical thought, ‘What is the fucking point? People still love Ronald Reagan.’ After eight years of lies and hypocrisy, people love this guy. Leads me to a very disturbing question: how far up your ass does this guy’s dick have to be before you realize he’s fuckin’ ya? Ha, people are just, ‘I like Ronald Reagan. He looks good on TV, he made the country stronger, patriotism’s at an all-time high. Hold on a minute, something’s slappin’ my ass. Hey, he’s fuckin’ us!’ What’s the point of George Bush? Reagan-lite. No one cares that he was the ex-head of the CIA, now elected president. The CIA – political assassinations, overthrowing governments, death squads, drug-running. Let’s give them more power! Let’s put ’em in the White House! No one cares that George Bush’s first two executive decisions were to name a vice-president who’s whiter than Arsenio Hall. I guess you could commission Ted Turner to colorize Dan Quayle later. Bush’s second decision was to name a secretary of defence who would begin every unilateral arms agreements off with ‘Hi, I’m John and I’m an alcoholic.’ Now, people love him. What is the point? People are already saying, ‘I like George Bush. He looks good on TV, he brought back family values, he’s fighting the war on drugs. Wait a minute, something’s slappin’ my ass. Hey! He’s fuckin’ us!’

  Recorded Live at the Village Gate, NYC, and Caroline’s Seaport, NYC

  (1990)4

  Thank you. Anyway, it’s good to be here. I ah . . . what? Recording an album tonight and tomorrow, so you’re on the album. If you could make a little more noise than that, that would be (audience laughs) There you go. That’s what we want to hear on the fucking album. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Don’t worry: funny material and laughter will be dubbed in later, so. Hey, you know, why pressure ourselves?

  It’s good to be here. I’m from ah Houston, Texas, originally, and moved up here a year ago, and ah . . . thank you. Ah, there’s that warmth I’ve come to know on the island. It is my object to be stared at like a dog that’s just been shown a card trick, you know what I mean? So . . . it’s good. First thing I noticed when I came up here was of course the homeless situation. Now, I’m no bleeding heart, OK? But . . . when you’re walking down the streets of New York City and you’re stepping over a guy on the sidewalk who, I don’t know, might be dead . . . does it ever occur to you to think, ‘Wow. Maybe our system doesn’t work?’ Does that . . . question ever bubble up out of ya? I mean, if there was only a couple of bums, I’d think, ‘Well, they’re fuckin’ bums.’ But there’s THOUSANDS of these fuckin’ guys. I mean, I’m running like a bum hurdle down the fucking st—The hundred-yard bum hurdle. Watch out, guys. There we go. ‘Hey you got any money, hey, you got any money, hey, you got any money?’ Ooh, woah, I tipped that last guy, but it’s OK – I didn’t tip him over. That hurdle counts. And I had no idea there was thousands of these guys,5 you know what I mean? So when I first moved here, I’m walking down the street, and all I get is, you know, ten/fifteen guys per block: ‘You got any money?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, I do. Thanks for reminding me. It feels great. Shit.’ I thought they were like asking about my wealth. You know, ‘You OK? You got money? You callin’ your mom? Your health all right?’ Yeah, boy, people in New York are so friendly.

  Man! Some of these guys though, they look healthy. I don’t get it. They’re just fuckin’ bums, you know what I mean? Very idea they want me to just give them the hard-earned money my folks send to me every week. Fuck! You leech, get a job, man. My dad works eight hours a day for this money. Goddamn it, I’ll get on a soapbox right on the street. I will. The nerve of these people. I mean, I had to cut the lawn every Saturday for fifteen years for a fucking quarter. This guy comes out from behind a dumpster and wants a cut of my action, you know? Shit, where were you when I was edging?

  You ever have the one that flips on ya, that turns psycho on ya? Cos I give ’em quarters and sometimes I don’t have any fucking change, and I’m not gonna break a twenty for a bum, OK? I’ve got a life. And, you know, they’re the one that turns on ya.

  ‘Hey could you help me out?’

  ‘Sorry don’t have anything.’

 
; ‘MOTHERFUCKER!’

  ‘Woah, woah, where’s my chequebook, hold on. Is that Mr Bum? How do I make it out? [ . . .] What? . . . Didn’t know you were a psycho. Definitely wasn’t your personality that put you on the street, was it?’

  Jesus. They got balls, man. One of ’em said to me, you know, I said, ‘Sorry I don’t have any money, man.’

  ‘Thanks for nothing, buddy! You don’t know what it’s like to be broke.’

  ‘Well, yeah I do. That’s why I work. I know exactly what it’s like: you sleep on the pavement, you dig through the garbage for food, and you bum money from strangers. Am I right?’

  ‘That is what I do.’

  ‘See ya.’

  I feel very sorry for these guys, cos I don’t know why they’re bums. Do you know why they’re bums? No one asks. When the guy’s digging through the garbage, no one ever goes up and asks, ‘What the fuck you doing? Why you digging the garbage?’ They’re just psychos. You know, and some of them: ‘Have you got any money? You got a quarter?’ Hey, for the same quarter I can get that bum to squeegee my window, you know what I mean? I wanna comparatively bum shop, I want . . . I want the most from my bum quarter, goddamn it, and I want a receipt. That’s how you get rid of ’em: get a receipt, you know (snorts) ‘Here. Thanks.’ Or some people: ‘Oh, don’t give him any money. It’s probably for drugs or alcohol.’ Well, yeah. You’ve never been a fucking drug addict then. Drugs are pretty important to a drug addict. (chuckles)